"I Would Do Anything for My Kids"… But Would You Do This?

Kaitlin Rai
Aug 1
4 min read

You're tucking your child into bed, and they ask you the same question they've been asking for weeks: "Are you okay, Mom?" You smile and say "Of course, sweetheart," but inside, you know they can see right through you. They've been watching the way you've been moving through the house—distracted, short-tempered, carrying something heavy that you can't quite name.

Maybe it's the stress from your own childhood that you've never dealt with. Maybe it's the grief you've been pushing down for years. Or maybe it's just the weight of trying to be everything to everyone while forgetting to take care of yourself. Here in Abbotsford, I see this pattern with so many families in our practice.

A mother sitting with her child in grass. The mother is stressed, but maintaining her composure in front of her child.

As a youth and family worker, and now a counsellor, I've had the privilege of working with hundreds of incredible parents. And one thing I know for sure is that 99% of the time, parents are truly doing their best. They're parenting with what they've learned, often doing far more for their children than their own parents ever could.

But sometimes, in the focus on "them," parents forget a key part of the equation: you.

So here's the question I want to explore with you: If you'd truly do anything for your kids, would you be willing to face the parts of yourself you've been avoiding?

Woman in beige shirt leans against wall in a bathroom. The background is bright, with a white sink and a plant on the toilet. Quiet mood. She is reflection, self healing.

They're watching everything, even when you think they're not

Your children don't just hear your words. They study your actions. They watch how you cope with stress, how you express love, how you make decisions, how you treat yourself and others. They absorb how you grieve, how you argue, how you apologize—or don't. They see how you handle your past, even if it's never spoken about

If you've spent most of your life avoiding your own pain, your kids are likely still being shaped by it.

"If I don't talk about it, it can't hurt them"

Most people were never shown how to safely feel their emotions, let alone how to heal them. So many have had to just push through, keep going, and pretend it's fine. "If I don't talk about it, it can't hurt me or them."

But pain doesn't disappear because we ignore it. It leaks into our parenting. It becomes the silence in the room. The short temper. The distant gaze. The wall that our children can't necessarily name but can feel.

Avoiding your own wounds is like putting a Band-Aid on an infection. It may be covered, but it doesn't mean it's not spreading.

"I can see you're hurting, even when you say you're fine"

All of the youth I've worked with are incredibly perceptive and forgiving of their parents. They see your struggles. You understand more than you think. They can name your pain even when you can't. They notice what you do well, and they notice where you're falling short.

They also come into therapy with real pain. And often, it's not just about school drama or a recent breakup. It's about feeling invisible in the presence of the people they love most. Feeling like their truth doesn't matter. Feeling emotionally disconnected.

Often, it's not that their parents don't care—it's that their parents are so stuck in their own pain that there's no capacity left to attune to their child. This doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human.

But what if this could be where it changes?

Here's where the opportunity lies: Just because you weren't taught how to heal doesn't mean you can't learn. Your healing matters. Your growth matters. Because your willingness to do this work could be what changes your family's legacy.

I hear many parents say, "I would die for my kids. I'd take a bullet for them. I'd do anything." But would you live for them? Would you learn to live a present, fulfilling life so they don't grow up feeling emotionally alone?

"If you want me to heal, I need to see you trying too"

Here's what I often hear from my youth clients: "If my parents are asking me to try and heal, to do better, to care about my mental health, I need to see them trying too."

Your kids don't need perfection. They need honesty. They need effort. They need repair. They need you to learn to be present with yourself, so you can be present with them.

Frequently, I get asked:

Is it too late to start healing if my kids are already teenagers? It's never too late. Teenagers especially appreciate authenticity and effort. Many clients find that starting their healing journey actually strengthens their relationship with their teens, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

What if addressing my own pain makes me a worse parent temporarily? Healing isn't linear, and there may be difficult moments. But children benefit more from seeing a parent who's working on themselves than from a parent who's pretending everything is fine. The key is having support during the process.

So, what now?

If this message resonates with you, please know that recognizing this pattern is already a huge step. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to begin.

The version of you that's whole, present, and free is the parent your children have been longing for. And that journey starts with extending the same compassion to yourself that you so freely give to them.

If you're ready to explore this journey—not just for your kids, but for yourself—I'd be honoured to support you. Individual counselling can help you understand and heal the patterns that no longer serve your family, while family therapy can help rebuild connections along the way.

You don't have to face this alone.

About the Author: Kaitlin Rai is a Youth Worker & Counsellor at Eterna Counselling who is passionate about helping families break generational patterns and create deeper emotional connections. With extensive experience working with youth and families, Kaitlin understands that healing happens not just individually, but within the context of relationships. She believes that when parents courageously face their own healing journey, it creates profound ripple effects that can transform entire family systems. Ready for personalized support? Our Abbotsford therapists are ready to help. Whether you're in Abbotsford, Chilliwack, or Mission, we're here to support your journey.