Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays:
- Kelvin Gartly
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
It's the most wonderful time of the year…right? That's what the song says, and that's what every holiday and Hallmark movie promises, but if we're honest with ourselves, the real thing with our real families usually doesn't live up to the hype. Maybe it does for some, but for many of us here in The Fraser Valley, the holiday season brings mixed feelings, and at worst, total dread. What's not to love about being packed in the same room with the people you grew up with, alongside others you just see a couple times a year?
Setting healthy boundaries during the holidays means establishing clear limits about what you're willing to do and what demands you'll accept from others. Boundaries serve two main purposes: they protect your physical and emotional safety by limiting potentially harmful connections, and they promote your wellbeing by ensuring your resources aren't depleted. When you set boundaries well, you're actually positioning yourself to have greater connection with others as your most healthy self. This includes being clear about visit durations, participation in activities, and managing expectations before gatherings occur.
For some, family situations are more complex due to divorce or blended families, creating multiple households with potentially conflicting expectations. There may be no other time of the year when expectations are heightened to the extent they are during the holidays, where our families and others feel it's acceptable to make unique demands upon us. The pressure you're feeling is completely valid and shared by many.
Is This Something I Just Must Live With?
So, what are we to do? Is this something we just must live with and get through, or is there something we can do about it? The answer, thankfully, is yes—and one important thing we can do is establish healthy boundaries during the holidays. The idea I'd like to present is that setting these boundaries is a vital part of making the holiday season have a chance at becoming more like what we hope for.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Let's start by creating a simple definition of boundaries. Simply put, boundaries are limits—that's it. When we talk about setting boundaries in our relationships, it means setting limits for ourselves in terms of what we're willing to do, and setting limits for others in terms of the demands we allow them to make of us.
Boundaries serve two main purposes:
1) First, they protect us and keep us safe by limiting connection with others that could have potentially harmful impacts—either physical or emotional.
2) Second, they promote our health and wellbeing by ensuring our resources aren't depleted and that we're able to continue to do the things that help keep us well, like having adequate sleep, exercise, or personal space for introverts.
This might sound negative, but there's a positive flip side to this: when we set boundaries well, it actually puts us in a position from which we can have greater connection with others as our most healthy selves.
How Do I Know If Boundaries Are the Issue?
Let me ask a few questions:
Do you feel taken advantage of?
Do you feel like the people around you aren't giving you a choice about something they want you to do?
Do you feel like you're letting people down if you do something other than what they want?
Boundaries are relevant when we start talking about expectations, demands, requests with the presumption that one cannot say "no", and when we experience pressure to do things that we don't really want to do.
What Do Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like?
There isn't a specific formula for describing what healthy boundaries look like in every situation, but let me offer three considerations:
1. Physical and Emotional Safety (Top Priority)
The top priority in setting healthy boundaries is to protect a person's physical and emotional safety. Whatever is within your control to maintain physical and emotional safety is part of setting a healthy boundary.
2. Health and Wellness Protection
A second priority in setting healthy boundaries is protecting your health and wellness. This means ensuring that you can do the things that keep you well—things like proper rest and sleep, exercise, or personal space for introverts as examples.
3. Capacity for Stress
The third consideration is your capacity for stress. We've all heard of the straw that broke the camel's back. During some seasons when stress is high, the last thing we need is to add another stress to it, but this is where discretion is required.
We need to honestly evaluate stress alongside our priorities, as not all things worth pursuing in life are stress-free, including relationships. Boundaries aren't meant to eliminate all discomfort or annoyances from our lives, but in setting boundaries we must acknowledge that there are times in our lives where we have less capacity for stress.
Practical Tips for Setting Holiday Boundaries
1) Get Ahead of the Issue
Heading into the holidays, it really helps to state ahead of time how long you intend to visit, what you will participate in or not participate in, or how you intend to approach gift-giving. This gives people time to adjust their expectations and even perhaps cool down if it makes them upset.
Example: Send a message or call family members in early December to share your holiday plans, rather than waiting until the day-of to communicate your limits.
2) Make the Boundary Clear
If you're setting a boundary about how much time you want to spend with family, be as clear as possible. Say, "We will come mid-afternoon and leave shortly after dinner," rather than "I probably won't be there very long." Clarity reduces confusion & gives others specific information they can plan around.
3) Remember What You Can Control
If you don't want to engage in arguments over the holidays, don't say, "I will not allow you to argue with me." Rather say, "If an argument begins, I will remind you that I won't argue with you, and if you don't stop, I will remove myself from the situation." You can only control your own actions and responses, not the behaviour of others.
4) Be Consistent
If you've set a boundary, it will be easier at times to not maintain it, but those around you will only begin to respect it if you're consistent. Each time you hold a boundary, you're teaching others that you mean what you say.
5) Be Prepared to Respond
There are likely some common requests or demands that you know could be made. Determining in advance how you want to respond—and even rehearsing it with a friend—can help you stick to a boundary.
Consider phrases like:
"I appreciate the invitation, but that won't work for us this year."
"I've already made plans that I need to honour."
"I need to prioritize my family's needs this season."
6) Expect That It Will Be Difficult at Times
Some of the boundaries we're setting require that long-established patterns or even traditions must change, and the adjustment can be difficult for others. Resistance doesn't mean you're doing something wrong—it often means you're doing something necessary.
One last thought: It is worth it? When you prioritize your energy, values, wellbeing, and safety, you'll be in a better place to pursue healthy, mutually beneficial relationships based upon trust and respect. And isn't that what we all really want for the holidays?
Setting boundaries isn't about creating distance from the people you love—it's about creating the conditions for genuine connection. When you show up as your most healthy self, having protected your energy and emotional resources, you're actually better equipped to be present and engaged.
Change doesn't happen overnight, and it's normal for boundary-setting to feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you've spent years saying yes when you wanted to say no. Be patient with yourself and remember that each small step toward healthier boundaries is progress worth celebrating.
If you're struggling with setting boundaries this holiday season, you don't have to navigate this alone. Kelvin Gartly and our team at Eterna Counselling in Abbotsford specialize in helping individuals and families develop healthier relational patterns and communication skills.
About the Author
Kelvin Gartly, MA, CCC is a Canadian Clinical
Counsellor at Eterna Counselling in Abbotsford, BC. Kelvin works with individuals and families in the Fraser Valley to develop healthier communication patterns & navigate complex relational dynamics. His approach combines practical strategies with a compassionate understanding of the challenges people face in maintaining their wellbeing while honouring important relationships.
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