Understanding Domestic Violence: When Relationships Feel Out of Control
- Tara Blake
- Oct 10
- 8 min read
⚠️ Content Notice: This article discusses domestic violence, abusive relationships, and trauma. The content may be triggering for some readers. If you're currently in an unsafe situation, please read this in private when you feel safe to do so. Your safety is the priority. If you're in immediate danger, please call 911 or leave this page quickly by clicking away or closing your browser.
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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and if you're reading this, you might be trying to understand something that's been weighing on you—whether it's your own relationship, or concerns about someone you care about. You're not alone. Many people in Abbotsford and the Fraser Valley are navigating the complex reality of partner violence. Understanding the patterns of domestic violence is an essential first step toward change, safety, and healing.
Domestic violence—also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence, or partner violence—involves patterns of behaviour used to gain power and control over an intimate partner through physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, control, financial abuse, or sexual abuse. Unlike typical relationship conflict, domestic violence creates a dynamic where one partner uses fear and control to undermine the other's dignity and safety. In Canada, we've been formally collecting data on partner violence since 1980, with trauma impacts officially acknowledged in Canadian systems since 1997. Understanding these patterns is crucial because domestic violence doesn't always look obvious—it's often subtle, confusing, and deeply isolating, affecting your mental health and sense of self.
The patterns and impacts of abuse in relationships are complicated. While not all relationship conflict is abuse, when power dynamics, emotional control, and fear become the ruling elements of your partnership, it's important to name what's happening. Partner violence exists on a spectrum and includes: Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, restraining, or any unwanted physical contact that causes harm or fear
Emotional abuse: Constant criticism, humiliation, gaslighting, or attacks on your self-worth and identity
Manipulation and coercion: Twisting situations to make you doubt your reality, perception, or memory
Control and isolation:Limiting contact with friends and family, monitoring activities, controlling decisions
Financial abuse: Controlling money, preventing employment, or creating financial dependence
Domestic Violence Affects All Genders
While the majority of victims are women and most support programmes focus on women's experiences, men are also in abusive relationships and need support. Compassion, acknowledgement, and emotional support are essential for all people experiencing partner violence, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.
The Cycle: Why it's so hard to leave
Many clients in our Abbotsford counselling practice find relief in understanding the cycle of abuse. When we can see the pattern, we can start to implement boundaries and make different choices. Power dynamics, emotional control, and fear are elements that rule abusive relationships, particularly within this predictable cycle.
Phase 1: The Calm Period (Connection & Hope)
Things feel connected and peaceful. You communicate well, show respect, and the relationship feels manageable. Both partners feel connected during this time. This period supports the hope that things can be okay and that your partner is capable of treating you well. It's what makes you stay and believe change is possible. This is when reconciliation happens & promises are made. Phase 2: Tension Building (Walking on Eggshells)
You start walking on eggshells, feeling like something is amiss or conflict is coming. During this phase, you experience high anxiety and change your behaviour to try to avoid potential conflict. You're hypervigilant, constantly monitoring your partner's mood and adjusting your actions accordingly. Phase 3: The Explosive Incident (Chaos & Overwhelm)
This is when there's drama, high emotions, conflict, criticism, control, anger, and both partners are overwhelmed. The incident can be explosive or chaotic, involving any form of abuse—physical violence, verbal attacks, emotional manipulation, or destructive behaviour. Phase 4: Reconciliation (Apologies & Reconnection)
The cycle returns to calm with apologies and reestablishing connection. This "honeymoon phase" reinforces your hope and makes it harder to leave. The abusive partner may minimize what happened, make excuses, or promise it will never happen again. It is the calm period that supports the notion that it's possible for things to be okay and that the abusive partner is capable of change.
Throughout this cycle, you're often so overwhelmed that you don't have time to be with your own emotions and thoughts. Instead, you're focused on managing your partner's emotions, maintaining normalcy, and avoiding another cycle.
The Psychological Impact: When You Lose Yourself
Being in an abusive relationship is like being in a tunnel where it's difficult to locate yourself and see the situation from a larger context. At a nervous system level, looking for peace and safety becomes your only goal, which means living in constant survival mode. When you're living in survival mode, your brain literally cannot access the parts that help with planning, perspective, and decision-making. This isn't a personal failing—it's a biological response to ongoing threat. Your body is constantly in a state of high alert, producing stress hormones that affect your physical and mental health.
The Hidden Injuries That Last
From research and from what I've seen frequently in my counselling practice, the impacts of domestic violence are long-lasting and confusing for survivors. People who have experienced abuse often feel conflicting emotions simultaneously:
Self-blame alongside anger at their partner
Shame about "letting this happen"
Oppression and loss of control over their own life
Embarrassment about staying in the relationship
Disbelief about what they're experiencing
Fear of judgement from others who don't understand
Most people in abusive relationships don't want to be a "victim"—they didn't give permission to be treated this way, and they don't want this situation. However, fear of judgement and confusion about how they "let this happen" can undermine their dignity and self-worth.
Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Isn't Simple
It is important to understand that survivors do not give permission to be treated with violence, they cannot control their partner or make it stop, and they are put in a position of having less power and choice about how to change their situation. Leaving an abusive relationship often involves consequences that are also overwhelming, including:
Increased danger: The most dangerous time for domestic violence survivors is when leaving or shortly after separation. Risk of severe violence and homicide increases significantly.
Retaliation: Blame, rumours, increased harassment, stalking, or attempts to turn others against you.
Financial hardship: Loss of income, housing instability, dependence, or sabotage of financial resources.
Job instability:Potential loss of employment due to harassment at work, hard to maintain attendance
Housing crisis: Loss of safe home, housing insecurity, or inability to afford separate housing
Impact on children: Custody battles, disruption to children's lives and schools, coparenting with an abuser, or concerns about children's safety.
Social consequences: Loss of mutual friends, isolation from community, or stigma from others.
These are life-changing decisions with real safety implications that cannot be taken lightly. Understanding why someone stays is crucial to providing effective support without judgement. Safety planning with professionals is essential before making any moves to leave.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence
1. Provide Validation and Acknowledgement
Let them know you can see them struggling and that abuse is never okay, regardless of circumstances. Sometimes just acknowledgement is enough to know they are cared for and supported.
What to say:
"I'm worried about you and want you to know I'm here"
"You don't deserve to be treated this way, ever"
"I can see this is really hard and confusing"
"I'm here whenever you need support, no judgement"
2. Reserve Judgement and Respect Their Timeline
Avoid pressuring them to leave or judging their choices to stay. Remember that leaving can be dangerous and complicated. The timeline and decisions must be theirs, and your role is to remain a consistent support.
Avoid saying:
"I would never put up with that"
"If you really wanted to leave, you would"
"You're choosing to stay, so you must want this"
3. Learn About Local Resources
Familiarize yourself with Fraser Valley domestic violence resources so you can provide concrete information when they're ready. Having this information prepared shows you take their situation seriously and are ready to help when they ask.
Local Support for Domestic Violence
Finding Support in Abbotsford & the Fraser Valley
There are wonderful programmes and resources in Abbotsford, Chilliwack, Mission, and across the Fraser Valley specifically designed to support people experiencing domestic violence. Communities and organizations have been fighting to protect survivors for decades.
These organizations understand the complexity of leaving abusive relationships and can provide practical support, safety planning, emotional assistance, and trauma-informed counselling referrals.
Frequently Asked Questions about Domestic Violence
How do I know if my relationship is abusive or just unhappy?
The key difference is power and control. Unhappy relationships involve conflict, but both partners have equal say and respect each other's autonomy. In abusive relationships, one partner uses fear, control, and manipulation to undermine the other's dignity. If you're constantly walking on eggshells, changing your behaviour to avoid your partner's anger, or feeling like you've lost yourself, these are signs of domestic violence. An Abbotsford counsellor specializing in trauma can help you understand your relationship patterns and provide support.
Is it still domestic violence if there's no physical violence?
Absolutely. Emotional abuse, financial control, isolation, manipulation, gaslighting, and coercion are all forms of domestic violence, even without physical contact. Many survivors report that psychological abuse caused deeper, longer-lasting harm than physical violence. If your partner's behaviour makes you feel controlled, fearful, constantly anxious, or like you're losing your sense of reality, that's domestic violence. Mental health impacts from emotional abuse are serious and require trauma-informed counselling support in Abbotsford or the Fraser Valley.
Can couples counselling help with domestic violence?
Traditional couples counselling is not recommended when there's active domestic violence, as it can make the situation more dangerous. The abusive partner may retaliate for things discussed in sessions, and the power dynamic makes equal participation impossible. Individual trauma counselling for the person experiencing abuse is the safer and more effective approach, focusing on safety planning, rebuilding self-trust, and processing trauma. Abbotsford therapists trained in domestic violence can provide appropriate individual support.
I'm worried about a friend in an abusive relationship. What should I do?
Moving Forward: You Deserve Support and Safety
Remember that healing from domestic violence takes time, and there's no "right" timeline or path forward. Some people leave immediately with a safety plan, others need months or years to plan safely, and some choose to stay while accessing support and building resources. Whatever your situation, external support—whether from trauma counselling, support programmes, trusted friends, or community resources—can help you see the bigger picture and make decisions that prioritize your safety and wellbeing.
You didn't give permission for this treatment. No one deserves abuse, regardless of circumstances, arguments, or mistakes.
You cannot control or change your partner's behaviour. Their choice to be abusive is theirs alone, not caused by your actions.
You are not responsible for the abuse you've experienced. The responsibility lies entirely with the person choosing abusive behaviour.
Your feelings and perceptions are valid. Trust your instinct that something is wrong—you're not overreacting or too sensitive.
Recovery is possible.
With appropriate trauma-informed support, survivors rebuild their lives, restore their sense of self, and develop healthy relationships.
About the Author
Tara Blake, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with Eterna Counselling who specializes in anxiety, OCD, trauma, and personal development. With her Master's in Counselling from City University and a trauma-informed, relational approach, Tara creates safe spaces where clients can explore overwhelming experiences and discover their own resilience. She combines evidence-based therapies including Emotion-Focused Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and mindfulness-based practices to support meaningful change. Tara has extensive experience supporting individuals in recovery from domestic violence, working with loss of self, rebuilding identity, and processing shame.
Ready for personalized support? Our Abbotsford therapists are ready to help. Whether you're in Abbotsford, Chilliwack, or Mission, we're here to support your journey toward healing and reclaiming your sense of self. Connect with Tara or book a consultation today.
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