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Speaking Love Fluently: Why You Have to Tell Your Partner What You Need (And Why That's Okay)

Relationship counselling insights from Kayla Wild, RSW, RCC at Eterna Counselling & Wellness in Abbotsford and Chilliwack

As a therapist working with couples in the Fraser Valley, love languages come up in my office all the time, usually right after someone says, "I just wish they knew." Knew I needed reassurance. Knew I wanted help. Knew that writing in a card means more to me than some expensive gift. There's often an unspoken belief that if love is real, it should be able to read minds. But that's not how humans work, and it's not how healthy relationships grow.

Understanding Love Languages in Relationships

The idea of love languages gives us a helpful framework: we tend to give and receive love in different ways. Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch are simply different emotional dialects. The challenge? Many couples aren't speaking the same one.

One partner may show love by fixing things, running errands, or taking care of practical needs (acts of service), while the other is longing to hear "I'm proud of you" or "I love how you handled that" (words of affirmation). Both people may be loving deeply, but missing each other completely.

The Problem with "They Should Just Know"

Where things often get stuck is in the story people tell about having to ask. I hear it constantly in couples therapy sessions:

  • "If I have to tell them, it doesn't count."

  • "It's not romantic if I have to spell it out."

  • "They should just know by now."

That belief sounds intuitive, but it quietly sets relationships up to fail.

No one arrives in a relationship already knowing your emotional blueprint, and sometimes we don't even yet know our own. Your partner didn't grow up in your family, with your experiences, your insecurities, or your history of what love felt like — or didn't feel like. Expecting them to instinctively meet your needs without guidance is like expecting someone to cook your favourite meal without ever telling them what you like.

Why Asking for What You Need Strengthens Love

Communicating your needs doesn't make love less authentic. It's what actually makes connection more possible.

In fact, there is something profoundly meaningful about a partner who learns you. Who listens when you say, "This helps me feel close," and then makes the effort to do it. Effort is not a downgrade from spontaneity. Effort is love in action.  Prioritizing your partner's emotional language, even when it's not the one that is native to you, is one of the clearest signs of care.

Part of emotional intelligence is accepting that it is our responsibility to teach people how to love us well. That's not neediness. That's relational clarity. And when both people are willing to be students of each other, mismatched love languages stop being a problem and start becoming an opportunity for deeper understanding.

How Love Languages Show Up in Everyday Life

Here are some examples of simple ways each love language can look in everyday life:

Words of Affirmation

  • "I really appreciate how hard you worked on that."

  • Writing a meaningful letter that expresses "I love being with you."

  • Sending a supportive text before a stressful event

Acts of Service

  • Doing a chore your partner usually handles

  • Making them a meal when they're overwhelmed

  • Taking something off their to-do list without being asked

Receiving Gifts

  • Bringing home their favourite snack

  • Picking up something small that reminded you of them

  • A handwritten note tucked into their bag

Quality Time

  • Phone-free time together, even 20 minutes

  • Going for a walk just to talk

  • A planned date night at home

Physical Touch

  • Holding hands while walking

  • A long hug after a hard day

  • Sitting close or cuddling while watching a show

The Bottom Line

Love isn't proven by mind-reading. It's built through curiosity, communication, and the willingness to show up in ways that matter to the person who means the most to you.

If you and your partner are struggling to connect, feeling unseen, or caught in patterns where you're both trying but still missing each other, couples therapy can help. Learning to speak each other's love language is a skill, and it's one worth developing together.

Frequently Asked Questions About Love Languages and Relationship Counselling

What are the 5 love languages? The five love languages are words of affirmation (verbal expressions of love and appreciation), acts of service (helpful actions), receiving gifts (thoughtful tokens), quality time (undivided attention), and physical touch (affectionate contact). Most people have one or two primary love languages that help them feel most loved and connected in relationships.

Does couples therapy in Abbotsford help with communication issues? Yes, couples therapy specifically addresses communication patterns and helps partners understand each other's needs more clearly. At Eterna Counselling & Wellness in Abbotsford, we work with couples to identify their love languages, improve how they express needs, and develop practical skills for connecting more effectively in daily life.

Why doesn't my partner understand what I need without me asking? Your partner isn't being intentionally dismissive—they simply have a different emotional blueprint shaped by their own upbringing and experiences. People show and receive love in different ways, and what feels obvious to you may not register the same way for them. Clear communication about your needs is essential for healthy relationships, not a sign that something is wrong.

Is it normal to have different love languages than my partner? Absolutely. In fact, it's very common for couples to have different primary love languages. The key isn't having matching love languages—it's being willing to learn your partner's language and make the effort to speak it, even when it doesn't come naturally to you. This mutual effort is what builds deeper connection.

Can a relationship counsellor in Chilliwack help us reconnect? Yes, relationship counselling helps couples move past disconnection by identifying where communication breaks down and creating new patterns that work for both partners. If you're in the Chilliwack or Fraser Valley area and feeling stuck in your relationship, therapy provides a structured space to understand each other better and rebuild closeness.

How do I tell my partner what I need without sounding demanding? Start with "I feel most loved when..." or "It really helps me feel close to you when..." rather than "You never..." or "You should..." Focus on what you need rather than what they're doing wrong. Most partners genuinely want to make you feel loved—they just need clear guidance on what that looks like for you.

What if my partner doesn't make an effort to speak my love language? If your partner consistently dismisses your needs even after you've communicated them clearly, that's worth exploring in couples therapy. Sometimes partners don't realize the impact of not meeting each other's needs, and therapy can help both people understand what's at stake and develop motivation for change.

Do I need marriage counselling if we're not married? No, couples therapy (also called relationship counselling) is for any committed relationship, whether you're dating, engaged, common-law, or married. At Eterna Counselling in Abbotsford and Chilliwack, we work with couples at all stages of relationships who want to strengthen their connection and communication.

About the Author

Kayla Wild, MSW, RSW, RCC is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Clinical Counsellor at Eterna Counselling & Wellness, providing couples therapy, relationship counselling, and trauma-informed therapy in Abbotsford and Chilliwack, BC. With specialized training in narrative therapy and experience supporting first responders and individuals navigating complex relational patterns, Kayla helps couples move past misunderstanding and build the connection they're looking for.

If you and your partner are struggling to connect or feel like you're speaking different languages, couples therapy can help. Kayla offers relationship counselling in both Abbotsford and Chilliwack.

Abbotsford Office:2955 Gladwin Road, Unit 104Abbotsford, BC V2T 5T4 Book a session in Abbotsford

Chilliwack Office:Join our waitlist for upcoming availability Join the Chilliwack waitlist →

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