Do you ever wonder how you fell into the trap that relationships are easy and the main challenge was finding a person to be in a relationship with? I lay the blame at the feet of Disney, Romcom’s and all the Harlequin Romance novels. Think of all the ways in which we’ve been influenced in our lifetime to see relationships as a ‘happily ever after’ with no road map on how to achieve it. It’s no wonder that we find ourselves in relationships riddled with conflict, disconnection, and unease.
Add the impact of the pandemic, daily stressors, and multiple demands on our time and energy to the mix and you’ve got a recipe for disconnection in all relationships. Disconnection can be devastating - it's feeling lonely, unheard and unseen in a relationship which leads to increased conflict, arguing, fighting and pulling away from each other.
The good news is that you can regain and rebuild connection – you can change disconnection and move towards a more engaging and life-giving relationship. This is true for all relationships – romantic, friendship, parent and co-worker relationships. The tips below can be applied to all relationships as the foundation of all relationships is connection, authenticity and vulnerability.
1. Get honest with yourself!
Looking in the mirror is hard! Being honest about our mistakes, our faults and how we’ve contributed to disconnection is challenging. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge and understand – read that again. To create any type of change, we have to get really honest with ourselves and own our part in the relationships in our lives. How have you shown up lately? How would you like to show up differently? In which ways can you help create more connection? What has contributed to disconnection?
2. Risk vulnerability
As humans, we are wired for connection – we need to be in relationships with other humans. We have a deep desire to belong and be seen and heard. This is at our heart’s center and it’s a major predictor of mental health wellness. The more disconnected and isolated we are, the greater the risk to our mental and physical health. The kicker is that to have connection we need to risk vulnerability – we have to show up as our true, messy, imperfect selves. When we show up this way, is when we experience true connection where someone holds space for our imperfections and loves us for them. We cannot achieve this without vulnerability – it feels like a big risk and yet we’re built to take this risk. Jump – take the risk!
3. Make time
How many times a day do you say “I’m so/too busy”? We live in an epidemic of ‘busyness’ and wear it like a badge of honour that doesn’t come with any reward except exhaustion and disconnection. In order to have more connection in your life, you have to make time for it. You need to schedule dates – to go out, to see friends, to journal, to have sex….schedule all of it. If you don’t set aside time for connection, it won’t magically happen. Our days are fuller than ever, the demands on our time are the highest they’ve ever been and we keep expecting things to happen naturally. The hard reality is that we schedule things that are important to us – so take a hard step and carve out time for connection in your life.
Each of these three suggestions can work to support you in building connection in all your relationships. Journaling can help to gain clarity and direction in changing habits and focusing on your values. If you'd like my 30 days of journaling prompts - grab them here 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏻👇🏿👇
Be well,
Cecilia