The Paradox of the "Perfect Parent"
- Tamara Dueckman
- 13 hours ago
- 4 min read
We're All Drowning in Advice
I am well acquainted with perfectionism. We've had quite a journey together, for as long as I can remember. Perfectionism has shown up in my academic career, in my relationships, and in my work life. But there is perhaps one area where perfectionism has been most insidious for me — parenting.
As parents, we live in a time where we are constantly inundated with parenting advice. If you sleep-train your baby, you will cause irreparable damage! But if you don't, your child will be sleep-deprived, and you'll cause irreparable damage! Feed your baby purees, or they will choke and die! Avoid purees at all costs, if you use them your baby will be picky for life, and it will cause irreparable damage! Be a stay-at-home mom so that you can build a strong attachment with your child! But also work full-time so your child has an example of female-empowerment!
And don't forget to work out every day to get that pre-baby body back, and prioritize your marriage, and keep climbing the corporate ladder, and make all of your child's meals from scratch, and keep an immaculate home, and never, ever, ever yell at your child or let them know that you are anything but in a state of absolute bliss in your motherhood journey. If you don't do all of these things, you risk irreparable damage.
Is there any wonder there's a parental stress crisis?
The Real Cost of Parental Stress
In August 2024, the US Surgeon General issued a public health advisory about the negative impact of stress upon parents' mental health. The document lists many common and significant parental stressors, including financial stress, time demands, child health and safety, loneliness, social media, and cultural pressures. Predictably, the amount of stress parents are under has a direct negative impact upon parental mental health. In 2019, Stats Canada reported that 23% of mothers reported symptoms of anxiety and depression in the postpartum period.
The impact of stress doesn't stop with parents. Unfortunately, our children often feel the impacts as well. Research shows that parental mental health has an impact on children's well-being, and that maternal distress increases a child's future risk of mental health concerns.
The Perfection Trap — My Own Story
When I first had my kids, I wanted to do everything the "right" way. And it makes sense, really; my kids were the most important people in the world to me, and I was responsible for their growth and development. Shouldn't I be doing absolutely everything I could to ensure that they had the best shot at life?
With my first child, I exclusively breastfed, I avoided screens like the plague, I enrolled in "baby and me" yoga classes, I read parenting books, I practiced baby-wearing, and I made all of my baby's food from scratch. As my child grew, I tried to practice all of the positive discipline strategies that I read about. But I was struggling, exhausted, and burned out. And a lot of what the books said didn't seem to work for my child. In fact, the more strictly I tried to adhere to all of the parenting "rules" I set for myself, the more impatient, agitated and frustrated I became. In my pursuit of being the "perfect" parent, I was getting further from what was ultimately the most important to me — being a connected one.
The Shift That Changed Everything
The thing with working in the mental health field is that I know a lot about what I "should" be doing as a parent. I have years of post-secondary and work experience working with children, youth and families — you'd think I would have this parenting thing figured out. However, the biggest shift for me came one day in my own therapy session. I was expressing my frustrations to my therapist, and she said something simple but ultimately life-changing — "maybe these strategies just don't work for your child."
Giving myself permission to parent based on my own particular child rather than what the books told me was a game changer. Rather than trying to get my parenting approach exactly "right," I shifted my focus away from the perfectionism trap and towards some guiding principles.
My New Parenting "Rules" — The Three R's
Relationship — above all else, my relationships with my kids are the most important thing to me. When things feel "off" with my kids or I feel like we are in a particularly tricky phase, I put my effort into recalibrating the relationship. I will take some extra time to play a game with my kids after dinner, or we'll choose a new novel to read together.
Regulation — my own, not theirs. I know that my own ability to self-regulate has a bigger impact on the mood and culture of my home than almost anything else. And what is most helpful in allowing me to regulate myself effectively? Having a rich, fulfilling, and engaging life outside of parenting. I prioritize my friendships, I take time for myself, I exercise regularly, and I engage in hobbies that I enjoy. When my self-care suffers, so do my relationships with my children.
Repair — I mess up. A lot. And it turns out, that's fine. Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the term "good enough mother" in the 1950s, as he found that infants only needed their mothers to be well-attuned to them about 30% of the time to develop secure attachment and emotional resilience. And when we miss the mark? Repair helps us to find our way back to our children, model what apologizing and accountability look like, and move forward in a strengthened way.
Closing — Good Enough Is Enough
Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. It makes sense that we want to do it perfectly. But as I have learned, the harder we chase perfection, the further we get from connection — with ourselves and our children. Maybe it's time to embrace "good enough" and accept the chaos and unpredictability of parenting. You might find you're a better parent than you thought.
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